Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
