Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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