Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
