Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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