The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
