I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
