what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My life is pants optional.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
