Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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