I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
