You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
my poor anus
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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