Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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