Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
