He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
