Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
