I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
