I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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