I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
