i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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