and my herpes radar will keep us safe
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
