hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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