Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize