Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
