I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize