Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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