My sheets look like a crime scene.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Randomize
