Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
