I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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