dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
