im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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