I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I am naked and annoyed.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
