she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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