How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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