Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
why didn't you poke me back
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She needs sedatives and a leash
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
