miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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