thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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