suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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