I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
