Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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