now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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