Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
