Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize