Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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