Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i think my tv is drunk
I wanna passion pit in your ass
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
