he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
