On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
