my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I can't turn off my feet"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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