My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize