I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize