Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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