Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
