When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
