I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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