Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
