The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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