As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
why is half of my head shaved?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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