do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
