I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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