He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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