If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
