dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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