You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
