I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
