If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
this will be a night to untag.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
