and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
