I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
